Couples Counseling: Because Murder is Illegal

Listen, I’ve been married for 25 years, which means I have personally survived 9,125 days of sharing a bathroom with another human. My wife and I have raised two kids to college age without anyone needing serious bail money, so I feel qualified to talk about what makes relationships tick—and what makes them explode like an overcooked hot pocket.

As a licensed professional counselor, I help couples navigate the choppy waters of marriage, and let me tell you—sometimes those waters are less "choppy" and more "Category 5 hurricane." Enter the Gottman Method. . .the gold standard for understanding why your spouse’s chewing makes you question your life choices.

The Four Horsemen (No, Not the Apocalypse, But Close)

Dr. John Gottman, relationship guru and possible wizard, identified four communication patterns that predict relationship doom with 90% accuracy. We call them the Four Horsemen of the Relationship Apocalypse:

1. Criticism – "You never take out the trash! You always forget!" (Listen, Karen, maybe Steve would remember if you didn’t remind him like a foghorn.)

2. Contempt – The eye-roll, the sarcasm, the passive-aggressive "Wow, must be nice to nap while I do EVERYTHING." This one’s the silent assassin of love.

3. Defensiveness – "I would’ve taken out the trash if you didn’t always nag me!" Congratulations, you’ve just escalated a minor issue into World War III.

4. Stonewalling – The "I’m just going to stare at my phone and pretend you don’t exist" approach. Classic move for anyone who enjoys a frosty silence at dinner.

So, How Do We Avoid a Marital Armageddon?

This is where couples counseling comes in. Think of me as your professional relationship referee, minus the whistle but full of strategies to help you communicate without resorting to interpretive sighing. Here’s what I’ll help you do:

Turn Criticism into a Gentle Startup

Instead of "You never listen!" try, "I feel unheard when you don’t acknowledge my side of things." It’s a subtle but magical difference, like replacing a chainsaw with a feather duster.

Combat Contempt with Appreciation

If you feel like roasting your partner, pause and mentally list three things they do well. Example: "Okay, he leaves his socks everywhere, but he also kills spiders and remembers our WiFi password."

Ditch Defensiveness and Take Responsibility

Instead of "It’s not my fault!" try "I see your point. I’ll work on that." (Warning: this phrase may cause your partner to faint.)

Stop Stonewalling and Self-Soothe

If you feel overwhelmed, say, "I need a break, but I’ll be back to talk in 20 minutes." (Then actually come back. Don't use this as an escape route to Home Depot.)

Professional Help: It’s Not Just for "Bad" Marriages

Couples counseling isn’t about proving who’s right (spoiler alert: neither of you are). It’s about learning how to fight fair, talk without a battle plan, and, most importantly, laugh through the absurdity of spending forever with another flawed human.

So if you’re stuck in the same arguments on repeat or just want to make sure you don’t end up on an episode of Dateline, professional counseling is here for you. Because at the end of the day, love is worth the work—even if it means tolerating the way they load the dishwasher like a chaotic raccoon.

Need help keeping your marriage apocalypse-free? Call me. Or at least send your partner. Either way, let’s make love last (and keep the homicide rate down).